Seventh Post

My mother was asking me about my study plans because I was asking her about insurance overseas.

I found it so hard to talk to her about such things especially when it concerns money. After all, I grew up with a mother who was overly money-centric. When I asked for a relatively large sum of money to lend me to undergo some dental treatment, she typed two freaking long essays in our family WhatsApp group to try to dissuade me from going for it. What's even more angering was that she would raise irrelevant examples of herself and her colleagues, talking about how difficult it was to find a job, or how she had to work a lot to support her family when she was younger.

She would also always nag at me to look for a job, saying that any job will do because she values that a sum of money is guaranteed at the end of the month regardless of the number of hours of labour. I, on the other hand, valued the flexibility that comes with giving tuition part-time. I may get less per month, but at least I spend less effort per hour to get that money. She is really not understanding.

Once, when I applied for NUS's scholarship and was awarded the lowest-tier one, she complained to me in an accusatory way about why I did not apply for the higher-tier one which would give the scholars a monthly allowance. She attacked me without even finding out how scholarship applications worked in NUS. You merely submit your application through a single channel and NUS will decide to sieve you into a respective tier based on your submitted qualifications. Money, money, money.

Coupled with my mom's lack of experience in university education, she has absolutely no clue as to how university works or is, and it is frustrating for me to have to explain things to her, especially when she will go "huh" every second I end my sentences as if she didn't think before speaking, and even more especially when it deals with money. I abhor it a lot.

I decided to ignore her just now when she was asking about my plans and walk out of the room. I imagine how in other families, the kids would have been more open to talk to their parents, but I just was not raised to do so. Everything has been so top-down and I had to rebel when I was 14. I don't have the capacity.

~.~

Just last week, iMax introduced me to this Thai series called Bangrak Soi 9/1 about a family with a son and daughter and two siblings who moved into the neighbouring space of the family's house. Right now I'm at Episode 8, but it has themes of parenting, the protagonist's struggle with his sexual identity (it's all scripted, though) and etc.. The parents have repeatedly told the kids that if there's anything, they could always confide in them. Not our family, I guess.

Anyway, I don't think I can ever tell my mother about my future educational plans. Firstly, they're both pertaining to different languages. Secondly, I would expect different application procedures. Thirdly, different kinds of miscellaneous things. It's tiring to explain to her to half-thought-out "huh?"s and also talking about my sensitive educational plans. Especially when it concerns money.

Besides, what's the point of achieving a milestone of becoming a millionaire? Money is a tool that is supposed to help us in life. There is no point being stingy or overly obsessed about it especially when it is put to good use. It's rubbish when parents say they "save for their children's education" but then go back on their words when it comes to university. Fucking bullocks.


Anyway, regarding my personal life, I think my emotions have been like shit lately. Feeling the tidal emotions, thinking about my relationships...... it sucks when people you interact with let you down or mistreat you. I've been telling myself that I am better than those people (at least in terms of academic prospects) and that I do not have to feel like it's a pity if we do not become friends or are not friends. They can continue being in their state while I will be on my way upwards, or at least I hope that it's upwards. Sometimes I wonder about my academic future, if there's any point to studying so much.

Also, I am still keeping myself open to getting to know girls. It'll probably be a painful journey especially without His guidance...... Man is foolish, I guess. I am foolish.

Alright. That's all.

Samuel

Labels: 2017, thoughts