Eleventh Post

It's a new year
yet I feel fear
the heavy workloads loom
foreshadowing mental doom

Lately my mind has been in a state of dread
a state of depression, a sombre sad
the temporal memories of joy always lead
to an eventual realisation, an emotional seed
sown into the dirt of my mind
fertile with hurt and dejection over time
soon the shoot will sprout, grey leaves will grow
developing into a hollow tree while the roots reach low
seasoned it bears fruit, a throbbing flesh of pain
better to be pecked by crows than feel again
but the circle of life forgives not
the undigested feelings fall back onto the soil, not rot
watered with lonely tears, warmed in mire
the air of gloom brings life to the fire
singeing my nerves, charring my walls,
choked by regrets, sorrow and all
the thoughts of everything that transpired
immolated my crimson chamber, the will to respire
into ashes
so life dashes
dispersed by the winds of time
as I fade out of existence




Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually cut out for further studies in Linguistics.
It seems like I'm a perpetual letdown. I let the teachers who wrote my recommendation letters down. I let these Thai lecturers down. I let my family and friends down. I let myself down.
I even let God down.

All because of one person I let myself become so attached to. Yes, I am acknowledging my problem.

Never had I spent a birthday alone. I was cooped up at home all day. In the last six hours of 4th Jan, I went to sleep and dreamt. I was accompanied more in my dreams than in reality.

Perhaps I could learn a thing or two from my ex. I should just dispose of all the belongings left behind in my house, so that I would not have to be constantly reminded of that person.
I would not have to be constantly haunted by thoughts of that person.
After all, a unilateral decision was made to ignore me regardless of the state of maturity.
Perhaps it's for the best since I'm trying to interact with more females now. In view of this, perhaps I should not indulge in this myopic depression.
I don't know......

Samuel

Labels: 2018, disappointment, thailand

Second Post

Hello, it's me again.

So, the usually endeavouring me decided to write a letter to deliver to the person mentioned in the First Post. Where it would strike someone as a drastic act that but stemmed from the deepest sincerity, my efforts just struck a steel wall. A steel wall of heartlessness. Of all the qualities I looked out for in somebody -- the looks, the brains and the heart -- he had shown that he was only conditionally kind to people who have not crossed him. That is fake compassion. That is just being a Lawrence Kyle Ng (oh my, the same surname).

Well, I guess it's a case of a self-fulfilling prophecy fanatic.

Despite my drunken and physically, mentally disabled state last night (well, 11 pm+ 18 March to 1.30 am 19 March) and pleas for some simple assistance which was fetching me some plain water (because I already vomited the fuck out of my stomach until what was left were gagging convulsions), he had to brush it all aside as "drama" (fuck you) and fall back on his principle of "I'm not gunna entertain you". We're talking about a REAL human being in DIRE need here, where the only person he knew at the club or in that area was you, and you had the inhumanity to just leave him for dead. Not a single sight of human compassion nor dignity.

The audacity to incessantly cast upon me the shadow of the loser of your past and the arrogance to think that all my efforts were based on the sole purpose to get your romantic attention. Fuck off, no one is going to want to date a monster, and neither would I.

I thought wrongly of you. You are not a nice person after all. You're also the king of making predictable and the stupidest assumptions, not to mention full of contradictions yourself, but I was just toooooooooooo nice not to raise them up. Trust me, I was.
I will not allow such a heartless, inhumane monster to be friends with me. I hope you are proud of that.

It's not the first time I've seen the likes of you. All of you need to be kinder.
Whoever knew that monsters could also put on angels' robes.

Just to qualify something, I was merely acting as a courier for a letter. I have delivered letters to some other people before right to their doorsteps, so I find this time's act nothing strange. ^_^

In summary: fucking worst experience getting drunk. I am never touching alcohol again.
And thanks to the guy who bought me some water from 7-eleven and the guy who hailed and paid for my Grab taxi ride back home for saving me. I am really touched and grateful for your help despite my penniless state. x)
Thank you also, jace didi, for accompanying me on LINE :)

Samuel

Labels: 2017, disappointment, thanks