First post

Hello! I privated my blog for one and a half months because for some stewpeed reason, I kept on getting hits from those shady websites. Hope none of that bullsheet happens again.

Neeway, welcome :) if you're interested in my older blog (the one that lasted from late 2008 until January 2017... a whopping eight years+ O:), you can visit it at http://spikedog123-archives.blogspot.sg/ :)

I really like to blog. It lets me practise my writing skeelz and also pen down my thoughts on things.


Soooooooooooooooooooo, how about an update? I don't really like talking about my plans for the future because failure, rejection and judgment suck. But this blog is a safe space, so please be kind when I talk about such sensitive things that involve shame.

Yea, so, I am applying to two Thai universities this time at an attempt to do a Master of Arts in Linguistics -- Chulalongkorn University and Mahidol University, the top two universities in Thailand. Hopefully I can be successfully admitted! ^^ so that I can stop being a parasite

Lately, I've been I've been losing sleep very affected emotionally. Ferstlee, I met up with a Chemisery junior from NUS just three days ago. We hanged out from noon until the evening when we went to Plaza Singapura to have a meal with his "friend".

Well. I can't help but fan my envy. I mean, having an older male figure who can take care of you...... After dinner, they wanted to spend time alone while I was wishing that I could still tag along. I need to applaud the "friend" for being so polite and indirect in telling me to leave. Needless to say, the sudden forced expulsion also riled up my inner hurt. I loitered around Dhoby Ghaut for ten minutes, trying to find a remedy for my old-found solitude. I broke another principle which was never to use a public, traceable picture. Yet, a cure wasn't found.

My emotions welled up inside me as I commuted home. My thoughts turned to another junior whom I had tried to chat with for many, many days. I admitted my wishes to get to know him more, while prodded by the fresh emotional wounds, that night by LINE voice message because I thought conveying certain messages by text was a sign of weakness. Yet, ............

He then realised that he did neglect me for two weeks, during which I reaaaaaallllllllyyyyy wanted to chat with him, for which he apologised.
But it was too late.
The once-familiar emotional siege resurfaced.
The knifes of hurt stabbed me brutally over and again, my battered heart bleeding with sharp stings.
I had to reawaken my emotional masochist. I could not take such emotional butchering without some kind of analgesic reprieve.
The pain, it was so intense................................

I woke up the next day realising I had cried myself to sleep. My mood was just ~.~
I received messages of attempted comforting, but I really didn't feel like accepting them.

I changed the filter and the way I chatted. No more emoticons, no more question marks behind questions.
I couldn't really care less anymore. That's what depression does to you

Fortuitously, one particular individual responded cheerfully amid the dread and dreary. I was wondering why he was so open to sending me selfies. I mean, hasn't he heard of scammers and malicious people?

I jokingly asked if he wanted some company, and he responded positively with the added bait of strawberry milk.
Well, he looked like a decent chap, so I decided to meet him hours later at Stadium station.
My goodness.
He looked different.
I couldn't really hold it in.
He looked better than in his pictures.

And he was nice, jovial, chatty, funny.
What a smile.
even thinking about it now just...............
It was supposed to be an Old Chang Kee smash-and-grab but he suggested we have Poulét. Well, sure, despite my thinning cash reserves.
It was a really nice dinner talking about our personal lives. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo cuteeeeeeeeeeeee lahhhhhhhhhhhh omygerrrrrrrrrrddddddddles

After dinner, we had some bubbley bubble tea matching our bubbly burstonalities (silent 't') and we walked somewhere where we watched a few episodes of 'Allo 'Allo! together. As the story developed in the first four episodes, so did our mutual attraction.
It's the arm wraps, the tilted heads, and calling of the hearts to be together.

.................................................................................................................................................

These were the happiest moments of the year.
Oh, why...... whyever were you so kind towards me? In the time of my lowest spirits, you managed to turn all that around.
I will never forget your kindness towards me. The irony is that I am the older one, the one expected to be the caregiver. Instead, I was the noob.

I know the pain of your coming out. I myself had suffered, and I recognise all that depressing fuckshit you had to undergo.
I also acknowledge your coming out of your way to lead me to McDonald's last night. I needed your guidance.
The things you were willing to do for me...... I am really grateful.
You charm supersedes your looks. Your way of thinking, your values, your generosity of affection.
I will never forget them.


One question: is it a sign of weakness for men to cry?

Samuel

Labels: 2017, iwnwil, sad