Eleventh Post

It's a new year
yet I feel fear
the heavy workloads loom
foreshadowing mental doom

Lately my mind has been in a state of dread
a state of depression, a sombre sad
the temporal memories of joy always lead
to an eventual realisation, an emotional seed
sown into the dirt of my mind
fertile with hurt and dejection over time
soon the shoot will sprout, grey leaves will grow
developing into a hollow tree while the roots reach low
seasoned it bears fruit, a throbbing flesh of pain
better to be pecked by crows than feel again
but the circle of life forgives not
the undigested feelings fall back onto the soil, not rot
watered with lonely tears, warmed in mire
the air of gloom brings life to the fire
singeing my nerves, charring my walls,
choked by regrets, sorrow and all
the thoughts of everything that transpired
immolated my crimson chamber, the will to respire
into ashes
so life dashes
dispersed by the winds of time
as I fade out of existence




Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually cut out for further studies in Linguistics.
It seems like I'm a perpetual letdown. I let the teachers who wrote my recommendation letters down. I let these Thai lecturers down. I let my family and friends down. I let myself down.
I even let God down.

All because of one person I let myself become so attached to. Yes, I am acknowledging my problem.

Never had I spent a birthday alone. I was cooped up at home all day. In the last six hours of 4th Jan, I went to sleep and dreamt. I was accompanied more in my dreams than in reality.

Perhaps I could learn a thing or two from my ex. I should just dispose of all the belongings left behind in my house, so that I would not have to be constantly reminded of that person.
I would not have to be constantly haunted by thoughts of that person.
After all, a unilateral decision was made to ignore me regardless of the state of maturity.
Perhaps it's for the best since I'm trying to interact with more females now. In view of this, perhaps I should not indulge in this myopic depression.
I don't know......

Samuel

Labels: 2018, disappointment, thailand